You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
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please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
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When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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