I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
