I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
