so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
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She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
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I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.