Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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