mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.