I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
