I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
