I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
