You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
