I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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