did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
