i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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