It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
