my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
