a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
