im gay
i know
yea but for you.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
