I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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