I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
