There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
