I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We were destined to go to rehab together
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
