I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize