hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
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she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
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If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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