I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
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No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
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Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
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