i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
