I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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