In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
