Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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