if i can run in heels then i can drive
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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