just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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