i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
We had to coat check the pizza.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
