If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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