You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
