I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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