I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Dicks are not precious.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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