He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
