I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
