Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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