I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
