Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
