if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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