My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
