Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
