Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
