there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
