apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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