Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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