I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
