Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
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Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
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how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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