Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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