she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
