I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
