Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
