I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
