you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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