We won't sleep together?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
