3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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