You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
